How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
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- Create Date：2021-05-01 23:31:42
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Logan Ury
- ISBN：B08CNKXQ2N
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Summary
In this funny and practical guide， a behavioral scientist turned dating coach helps you understand - and overcome - the hidden forces keeping you from finding lasting love。
Have you ever looked around and wondered， “Why has everyone found love except me？”
You’re not the only one。 We’ve gone from the first iPod （“1，000 songs in your pocket”） to Tinder - 1，000 potential dates in your pocket。 Choosing a partner is harder now than ever before。
A lasting relationship doesn’t just appear in your life - it’s the culmination of a series of decisions， including when to get out there， whom to date， how to end it with the wrong person， when to settle down with the right one， and everything in between。 Often we don’t understand why we make certain choices， and that leads to mistakes。 And those mistakes thwart us on our quest to find love。
Drawing from years studying psychology and relationships， behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that fuel faulty decision-making and prevent us from finding love。 But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results。 Knowing you shouldn’t date “bad boys” or “manic pixie dream girls，” for example， doesn’t make them any less appealing - you have to actually change your behavior。 Ury shows you how。
You’ll discover what’s really holding you back in dating （it’s not what you think）， why your current dating app habits aren’t helping you find a great match （and how to fix them）， and why there’s no such thing as “The One” （but you’ll find love anyway）， and much， much more。
This book focuses on a different decision in each chapter - from setting up your dating app profile onward - and incorporates insights from behavioral science， original research， hands-on exercises， and stories about people just like you。 It’s designed to transform your love life。 'HOW TO NOT DIE ALONE' will help you find， build， and keep the relationship of your dreams。
*PLEASE NOTE*:
When you purchase this title， the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible library along with the audio。
Running Time => 8hrs。 and 1min。
©2021 Logan Ury。 All rights reserved。 （P）2021 Simon & Schuster， Inc。 All rights reserved。
Have you ever looked around and wondered， “Why has everyone found love except me？”
You’re not the only one。 We’ve gone from the first iPod （“1，000 songs in your pocket”） to Tinder - 1，000 potential dates in your pocket。 Choosing a partner is harder now than ever before。
A lasting relationship doesn’t just appear in your life - it’s the culmination of a series of decisions， including when to get out there， whom to date， how to end it with the wrong person， when to settle down with the right one， and everything in between。 Often we don’t understand why we make certain choices， and that leads to mistakes。 And those mistakes thwart us on our quest to find love。
Drawing from years studying psychology and relationships， behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that fuel faulty decision-making and prevent us from finding love。 But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results。 Knowing you shouldn’t date “bad boys” or “manic pixie dream girls，” for example， doesn’t make them any less appealing - you have to actually change your behavior。 Ury shows you how。
You’ll discover what’s really holding you back in dating （it’s not what you think）， why your current dating app habits aren’t helping you find a great match （and how to fix them）， and why there’s no such thing as “The One” （but you’ll find love anyway）， and much， much more。
This book focuses on a different decision in each chapter - from setting up your dating app profile onward - and incorporates insights from behavioral science， original research， hands-on exercises， and stories about people just like you。 It’s designed to transform your love life。 'HOW TO NOT DIE ALONE' will help you find， build， and keep the relationship of your dreams。
*PLEASE NOTE*:
When you purchase this title， the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible library along with the audio。
Running Time => 8hrs。 and 1min。
©2021 Logan Ury。 All rights reserved。 （P）2021 Simon & Schuster， Inc。 All rights reserved。
Reviews
Maggie Yuse
，
I loved this book！ I’ve been learning a lot about behavioral science in grad school and seeing Logan apply many of the same logical fallacies I’ve learned to dating was fascinating and unexpected。 It gave me great perspective on my dating history and I will remember and use many of the things I learned from this book in my romantic relationship and friendships！
Gina
，
A light and motivating pop psychology kind of book that’s probably at least moderately helpful for shifting one’s mindset。 I’m not convinced I’d trust the author too much in person， and the jokes are a little forced， but I appreciate her efforts to use inclusive case studies and examples and keep it positive。
Sunny Purdin
，
I'll probably still die alone， but this was a good start。 Logan talks about how to create a great profile， navigate the world of online dating， when and how to have "the talk"。 how to break up and how to stay in a great relationship。 The overall theme is "don't be so picky。" I'll probably still die alone， but this was a good start。 Logan talks about how to create a great profile， navigate the world of online dating， when and how to have "the talk"。 how to break up and how to stay in a great relationship。 The overall theme is "don't be so picky。" 。。。more
Sarede Switzer
，
Nothing Earth shatteringly new but good read/reminders nonetheless。
Hanna
，
I agree with the point that others have made that not finding a lifelong partner does not need to make or break your life。。。but I also appreciated this book。 I enjoyed that Logan talked about the Gottman Institute & had a research-focused undermining from her background in behavioral science。
Haley ☾orkery ☕
，
A very interesting and insightful read sprinkled with humor。 No matter your relationship status， I think anyone could get something out of this book。 Glad I picked it up at my local library！
Veronica
，
“Eventually you just have to get out there and start dating。 Imperfect as you are。”
Jordan Keyes
，
I’ve grown up on cheesy rom-coms and have had dreams of an idealistic manic pixie girl walking into my life in a meet-cute fashion and us then living happily together。 Yup， my worldview on romanticism and love was probably wrongly warped at a young age。 Being optimistic and hopeful isn't a crime。 But being ill-informed and having unrealistic expectations on love/dating might as well be。Finding the right person requires a combination of many factors needing to go right。 Part of it is luck。 Part o I’ve grown up on cheesy rom-coms and have had dreams of an idealistic manic pixie girl walking into my life in a meet-cute fashion and us then living happily together。 Yup， my worldview on romanticism and love was probably wrongly warped at a young age。 Being optimistic and hopeful isn't a crime。 But being ill-informed and having unrealistic expectations on love/dating might as well be。Finding the right person requires a combination of many factors needing to go right。 Part of it is luck。 Part of it is being at the right place at the right time。 Part of it is knowing when to say no and when to say yes。 Part of it is being a decent person to begin with （of course）。 But that’s not to say you can’t increase your chances by simply following a few tidbits of advice， learning to recognize and correct your biases and blind spots， and shifting your mindset on “how” and “who” to date。 And that’s where behavioral scientist/dating coach Logan Ury and her book， How to Not Die Alone， comes in。 Ury breaks down her book into three sections， which go through the dating life cycle。 They are aptly named as: getting ready， getting out there， and getting serious。 I’m going to talk through my thoughts on some of these sections， as well as what I found most insightful。Early in the book Ury mentions some of the problems on why dating nowadays is so difficult。 In a lot of ways you’d think dating would be much easier in 2021 than 30 or 40 years ago。 And in a sense you’d be right。 However， there is a concept Ury goes over here called the paradox of choice， which is essentially analysis paralysis。 It’s awesome and unprecedented that we have so many options just at our fingertips。 But having that many options， too many options maybe， can cause us to freeze up and not make a decision。 Or to think that there will inevitably be a better choice after this swipe。。。 or the next swipe。。。 and so on。 Ury details several types of dating tendencies that people lean into。 They include the Romanticizer， the Maximizer， and the Hesitater。 You do a short quiz to help pinpoint which one you most closely align with， and then read up on all three types。 She explains why each type is harmful in the long-run and how to correct your harmful thoughts and actions。 It’s important to note that Ury tends to give examples of people who are on the extreme ends of these “types”。 You can have maximizer tendencies and still be fine - it’s just important to recognize when your behaviors can be detrimental with dating。 I personally felt a loose resemblance to all three types （not a great look， I know）， and also noticed types that some of my friends had tendencies towards。 If I could quickly summarize each type， I’d say: the Romanticzer believes a perfect relationship will fall into their lap like a Disney fairytale， and therefore they don’t put in the work to make a relationship great。 Maximziers take forever to decide on *just* the right decision， and then still fret after they’ve finally made their decision （sorta like taking 2 hours to decide on a restaurant after reading each and every Yelp review， then getting to the restaurant and wondering if you truly made the right choice）。 Instead， you’d be happier if you made a decision when someone meets your criteria， and then stop worrying about the “what-ifs”。 And finally， Hesitaters are what they sound like - they delay dating because they don’t feel 100% ready， even though people are rarely 100% ready for anything。Next， Ury discusses the two important questions surrounding a potential partner。 When deciding who to date seriously and maybe eventually marry， don’t ask “what would a love story with this person look like。” Instead， ask “can I make a life with this person。” In other words， focus on finding the life partner rather than the prom date， with the “prom date” being that person who looks great in pictures， cool in front of your friends， and overall can give you fun night， but isn’t necessarily someone who would be good in the long-term （and may ultimately let you down）。 And again， that’s what this book as a whole focuses on - finding someone for a serious， long-term relationship and eventually marriage。 It’s a heavy handed message that’s basically spelled out in the title of the book （not a great title， by the way） and repeated throughout as a core theme。 Going off of that， here are Ury’s traits of a life partner: emotional stability and kindness， loyalty （will hold your purse in the cancer clinic）， a growth mindset （compared to a fixed mindset）， a personality that brings out the best in you， skills to fight well （arguments in relationships are inevitable and normal）， and the ability to make hard decisions with you （like what if you need to raise a child with a disability？）。 These are things maybe you don’t need to think of on a first date， but are critical if you’re trying to build a life with someone。 That mostly ends the first main section of the book。 Ury next dives into the weird and wonderful world of dating （with a slight focus on online dating）。 She starts off with how to avoid common mistakes on dating apps。 Most of us have been here before。 We download some dating app， try to put together some halfway decent photos and a witty bio， get a few matches maybe， but overall fail in our goal of meeting someone special。 Dating apps are tough， for both men and women。 Part of why they’re tough is due to the nature of them。 For one， she says that dating apps tend to put greater emphasis on more superficial， categorical traits like height， job， and age。 This allows us to filter out potentially great matches。 She goes on to say， “。。。 dating apps have turned living， breathing， three-dimensional people into two-dimensional， searchable foods。 They’ve given us the false belief that we can break down people into their parts and compare them to find the best one。” Aka， “relationshopping”。 Just like we can be super indecisive when trying to figure out which restaurant to go to， we can struggle to choose a partner when we have so many options。 The paradox of choice is real。 Unfortunately， Ury doesn’t spend a whole ton of time going over how to improve your dating profile。 As someone who may or may not browse relationship subreddits and online dating forums for fun， none of the info presented here is all too surprising or life altering。 You （should） know the drill: select great photos （including maybe have a friend take some nice photos of you）， write a thoughtful profile， start a convo based on something specific you can riff off of， etc。 What I really liked was how she emphasized how important it is to actually meet people off the dating apps。 The point of getting on a dating app is to go on actual dates。 Too much pre-date texting can create an idealized version of someone which will inevitably leave us disappointed （guilty as charged）。 After this， Ury touches on how to properly meet people normally in-real-life， like without using dating apps （scary， I know）。 Again， there’s nothing too groundbreaking she drops here - be willing to have friends/family set you up， go to events conducive to meeting people， and don’t be afraid to talk to strangers （without being overly weird or creepy， of course）。 The next part， something people tend to gloss over when talking about dating， surprisingly， is how to properly go on dates。 This is a section that would be particularly useful for those who have little dating experience。 We dive into what makes the right mindset， sorta like for the earlier chapters on meeting the life partner vs the prom date。 Ury mentions on dating that， “Whether you believe your date will go well or poorly， you’re right。” It’s important to think about “how” the person makes you feel rather than whether they check off the boxes for you （like a human resume， yuck）。There are a few tips she gives in terms of how to go on a great date。 Pre-date rituals designed to relax and destress are a great idea。 Pick a date location deliberately and thoughtfully （although she weirdly mentions that coffee dates are hackneyed yet highly recommends wine bar dates instead？ I mean I prefer the latter too， but they’re overall pretty darn similar）。 Having a potential preplanned part 2 to the date is also a good idea （like being able to walk around outside after getting drinks）。 The thing that Ury doesn’t really specify here is first dates vs seconds dates vs third dates， etc。 She’s all for creative first date ideas （most of which suggested are terribly expensive unsurprisingly）， but is strongly against the initial job-interview type first dates。 Which I am too after reading the chapter。 But do you really wanna commit to a big activity and $50 for someone you don’t know？ Maybe using the first date as a feeler for a second date， and then having the second date be a bit more extravagant is the move。 Especially if you go on dates often。 F**k the spark is the topic of Ury’s next chapter。 It’s sorta a hot take， but if you’ve read the first half， you won’t be that surprised with this - mainly because she emphasizes throughout how important it is to find someone who would make a good life partner。 We tend to attribute this spark from how charming or charismatic and attractive someone is， all of which don’t necessarily translate well to a future relationship。 This ties back to that Romanticizer ideal from the beginning of the book， where the expectation is to find someone who will completely sweep you off your sweep and you’ll then live your life with them in utter infatuation。 It’s just a tad unrealistic。 I do， however， think that having some degree of tingle and excitement is important when you first meet someone。 Ury’s point is just that this “spark” should not be the end-all-be-all of first date metrics。 In fact， focusing on ditching the spark and instead striving for the “slow burn” aka， someone who you may not fall head over heels for at first， but who has all the great qualities in a partner， is what Ury suggests instead。 Striving to make second dates the default is the next chapter/major hot take Ury makes。 She has a good point here。 We tend to be pretty negative people （cue “we live in a society” meme）， and evaluate others more harshly than we should （negativity bias， fundamental-attribution error）。 To counteract that， making the second date the default helps us to “avoid the brain’s natural tendency to focus on the negative。。。 and will help you look forward to that slow-burn person instead of seeking the spark。” I actually think this is a good idea。 She’s not saying you have to go on a second date。 It’s more that if you feel halfway decent and are curious about the person during the first date， turn that into a second date。 Expect that things will go well before you first meet the person。 From my own experience， second dates tend to be the norm， but obviously if you really aren’t feeling the vibe and this person very clearly doesn’t have the qualities you’re looking for in a long-term partner， then you shouldn’t feel obligated for a round 2。 That ends the second section of the book。 The third and final section deals with when you actually enter into a serious relationship。 It goes over topics such as relationship milestones （when should you move in with someone， and is that even a smart idea？）， deciding whether or you should break up with someone （and how to properly do it if needed）， and deciding if you should get married with the person you’ve been dating。 Open and honest communication is one of the biggest keys that’s emphasized here。 In fact， Ury goes far enough to include something that may be a tad unorthodox - a relationship contract - to help create an explicit shared vision on the direction of your partnership。 Overall， this section of the book is very important and insightful， but for someone not in a relationship currently， it doesn’t hit as hard。 It is probably something I will revisit when the time comes。 A somewhat unrelated， but noteworthy side note on the book is how Ury throws in a lot of studies related to the points she’s trying to make。 Any bolded key term she uses will usually have a study or two to back up the importance or meaning of it。 This can definitely help solidify points， but a lot of these studies aren’t the most convincing necessarily。 An example is when she was discussing the importance of making a breakup plan with clear deadlines。 The study cited， regarding framing questions to potential voters， was only able to increase those voting by 9% （when compared to the control group）。 That’s cool， but ultimately isn’t all that convincing， as are a lot of the “popular-science-esque” studies she cites。 This isn’t a huge complaint， just something to keep in mind。 I overall think Logan Ury is a great， healthy voice to speak on dating and relationships。 Her emphasis on your mindset and how that can make all the difference is crucial。 She breaks down common unhealthy tropes and helps the reader understand why these ideations are harmful， and then spends time on how to correct them。 How to Not Die Alone， despite the dire title， is a breezy and fun read。 For someone who enjoys reading up on dating and relationship science， there was a lot of solid， prudent advice given in the book。 Ury is extremely thoughtful with her approach， and while it may be a little heavy-handed at times， it’s perfect for people looking to date seriously and intentionally。 It succinctly spans the entire gamut of dating and relationships， and it’s definitely a good book to purchase so you can check back into her advice during different stages of your own dating and relationship journey。 4 / 5， would recommend （cue related 2018 Arctic Monkeys song）。 。。。more
Hao Luo
，
I like the general idea that relationship is built with series of intentional decisions rather than found by accident。 But those concrete “how-to”s just over-simplify the humanity， specifically assuming everyone’s social and extroverted （and with a tone that “if you don’t， you should”）。 It’s also kinda ironic that on one hand the author tries to convey “you should think people in real life are more interesting than their profiles” while on the other suggests tons of profile templates （no wonder I like the general idea that relationship is built with series of intentional decisions rather than found by accident。 But those concrete “how-to”s just over-simplify the humanity， specifically assuming everyone’s social and extroverted （and with a tone that “if you don’t， you should”）。 It’s also kinda ironic that on one hand the author tries to convey “you should think people in real life are more interesting than their profiles” while on the other suggests tons of profile templates （no wonder so many people take “a pic with a group of people” as “I have friends and family” lol）But all of these make me realize that relationship indeed seems to be a rigid demand cause product-market fit is usually achieved by building product that fits the market， but for dating the market’s willingly to adapt to the product no matter what。 。。。more
Marshall Hinders
，
Some good advice， applicable to life in general in addition to dating。 Like keeping a growth mindset。 Or that I should make decisions faster in many cases instead of spending hours paralyzed by research。 I may be happier making a quick decision and ending up with a good purchase than I would be dragging out and second guessing a decision even if I end up with the perfect purchase。Learned that I have an anxious attachment style in some ways。 Something to work on。 Got a few date ideas and pointers Some good advice， applicable to life in general in addition to dating。 Like keeping a growth mindset。 Or that I should make decisions faster in many cases instead of spending hours paralyzed by research。 I may be happier making a quick decision and ending up with a good purchase than I would be dragging out and second guessing a decision even if I end up with the perfect purchase。Learned that I have an anxious attachment style in some ways。 Something to work on。 Got a few date ideas and pointers for what qualities matter for long-term relationship happiness， like loyalty， a growth mindset， and facing conflict well， and which ones don't， like money or looks。Also， took away the Post Date Eight。 8 questions to ask yourself right after a date to analyze how it went。 Do I feel energized after the date？ Did they make me laugh？ Feel heard？ What side of me did they bring out？Helpful read。 。。。more
Juliet
，
This book should be called， How to Unbasic Bitch Yourself。 Also she mentions Mandy Catron a dear friend so if you read this book you should read Catron’s book “How to Fall in Love with Anyone”。
Sara Moesgaard
，
An easy an enjoyble read。 For someone who has read a lot of science about love or relationship （and spends a lot of time thinking about the common sense of it）， it does not give great further insight。 However， it has great work sheets， which I enjoyed， and it is a good compilation of all the different science in the field one should pay attention to。 Ester Perel， the Gottmans， Alain de Botton etc。 （all the greats in love！） have all been included for this work， which， for me， gives it great credi An easy an enjoyble read。 For someone who has read a lot of science about love or relationship （and spends a lot of time thinking about the common sense of it）， it does not give great further insight。 However， it has great work sheets， which I enjoyed， and it is a good compilation of all the different science in the field one should pay attention to。 Ester Perel， the Gottmans， Alain de Botton etc。 （all the greats in love！） have all been included for this work， which， for me， gives it great credibility。 If one does not wish to dive deep into the world of science of love literature and just wants a quick overview of what matters in love plus some great practical tips， this is the book for you！ 。。。more
Catrinel Bianca
，
Logan Ury bakes with science and actual research results the practical advice in the book。 It’s up to date with challenges on dating within pandemic。The advice and tips in the book might seem very structured， goal oriented and using conscious decision making， which is a bit like approaching dating and relationships like work but some every relationship needs work and first dates look like a job interview with alcohol why not try it out？
Sara Picard
，
I thought this was practical and liked the behavioral science aspect to the book。 What I learned : how to not die alone 🙃
e。 l。 meadows
，
An eye-opening， well-written， and easy to read book about the ends and outs of finding love， maintaining it， and learning to tell the signs of when it may be time to call it quits。
Itendswithquotes
，
Jestem w szoku， jak dobra jest ta książka！ Zawsze do poradników podchodzę z lekkim dystansem i przymróżeniem oka。 Spora część książek tego gatunku， podaje „złoty środek” do osiągnięcia celu。 A ta książka daje narzędzia do osiągnięcia tego celu。 Przed wszystkim nie spodziewałam się， że aż tak się wciągnę。 W niektórych momentach miałam wrażenie jakbym czytała sama o sobie。 Dzięki czemu rozjaśniła mi w głowie wiele kwestii， a na inne pozwoliła się otworzyć。 Zdecydowanie pozwoliła mi zdjąć różowe ok Jestem w szoku， jak dobra jest ta książka！ Zawsze do poradników podchodzę z lekkim dystansem i przymróżeniem oka。 Spora część książek tego gatunku， podaje „złoty środek” do osiągnięcia celu。 A ta książka daje narzędzia do osiągnięcia tego celu。 Przed wszystkim nie spodziewałam się， że aż tak się wciągnę。 W niektórych momentach miałam wrażenie jakbym czytała sama o sobie。 Dzięki czemu rozjaśniła mi w głowie wiele kwestii， a na inne pozwoliła się otworzyć。 Zdecydowanie pozwoliła mi zdjąć różowe okulary niepoprawnego romantyka。 Żałuje， że ta książka nie pojawiła się wcześniej na rynku。 Jest bardzo dobrze napisana， przed wszystkim rzeczowo。 Widać， że autorka wie o czym pisze， a sama książka nie jest chwytem marketingowym。 Podzielona jest na trzy części。 Pierwsza pozwala poznać siebie， swoje postawy i jak unikać ich pułapek。 Druga dotyczy samego randkowania， od A do Z。 Trzecia część to jak przetrwać w związku， kiedy gonić partnera， a kiedy dać mu odejść。 Jeśli miała bym określić tą książkę jednym zdaniem to brzmiało by ono „Kompendium wiedzy o związkach”。 Zdecydowanie będę ją polecać wszystkim！ 。。。more
Lauren
，
3。5， might join a dating app and be less judgmental！？
Emily Abriatis
，
I heard about this book on the Death， Sex， and Money podcast and I was pretty intrigued by the science and data that could “help me find love” （lol）。 The book ended up being a very entertaining and interesting look at proven ways people can change their mindsets and behaviors if they are stuck in bad habits。 It also goes into attachment styles and fallacies that we have been fed by pop culture that shape our expectations about romance。 There is also lots of practical advice such as beginning rit I heard about this book on the Death， Sex， and Money podcast and I was pretty intrigued by the science and data that could “help me find love” （lol）。 The book ended up being a very entertaining and interesting look at proven ways people can change their mindsets and behaviors if they are stuck in bad habits。 It also goes into attachment styles and fallacies that we have been fed by pop culture that shape our expectations about romance。 There is also lots of practical advice such as beginning rituals to get yourself in the right mindset before a date， writing about the date after， paying attention to “how you feel” during the date， and giving people a chance past the initial “spark”。 Aside from being interesting， the book also sparked an interest in positive psychology and how I can apply general behavioral psychology in my life so I feel pretty energized after reading it :） 。。。more
Elaine Ruth Boe
，
I learned about this book from listening to interviews with Ury on some of my podcasts。 No matter what your relationship status， I'd recommend reading the whole book， because there is great advice and attitude/outlook shifts that you can share with friends going through different situations。 I could see myself returning to this book and doing the exercises at future relationship stages。 I learned about this book from listening to interviews with Ury on some of my podcasts。 No matter what your relationship status， I'd recommend reading the whole book， because there is great advice and attitude/outlook shifts that you can share with friends going through different situations。 I could see myself returning to this book and doing the exercises at future relationship stages。 。。。more
Jessie
，
recommended by one of my dearest friends who is 18 hours too far away。 I shouldn't have doubted her judgement - v enjoyable quick read recommended by one of my dearest friends who is 18 hours too far away。 I shouldn't have doubted her judgement - v enjoyable quick read 。。。more
Sijie Cheng
，
This book hones in on the idea that great relationships take a lot of work - you need to build enough self awareness to know your attachment type （anxious/avoidant/secure）， to know what you are looking for in a relationship， to catch yourself when you are romanticizing a partner rather than being realistic， to develop a plan to move the relationship forward or to call it off， etc。 I LOVE the idea of intentional living （always a big advocate and something I have been practicing）， which in this bo This book hones in on the idea that great relationships take a lot of work - you need to build enough self awareness to know your attachment type （anxious/avoidant/secure）， to know what you are looking for in a relationship， to catch yourself when you are romanticizing a partner rather than being realistic， to develop a plan to move the relationship forward or to call it off， etc。 I LOVE the idea of intentional living （always a big advocate and something I have been practicing）， which in this book manifested to intentional loving。 It is important at every stage of a relationship， and even more after ‘happily ever after’。 Fear not， this book offers practical advice at every stage。 It’s a fun read and I like it more than ‘Modern Romance’ by Aziz Ansari， which I read in March。 I would recommend this book to anyone who is looking to build long lasting relationship。 。。。more
Clare Marshall
，
Really enjoyed this！ Practical dating and relationship advice。 Logan is really funny too。
Remy
，
How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury I really enjoyed this book。 This book is about Intentional Love。 Great relationships are created， not discovered。 The author， Logan Ury， is a self-employed dating coach and her previous profession is being a Behavioral Scientist for the app Hinge as well as doing some work with Google in their behavioral research unit。 The strengths of this book are the plentiful references to behavioral science/research and practical tools and advice provided （and lots of citat How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury I really enjoyed this book。 This book is about Intentional Love。 Great relationships are created， not discovered。 The author， Logan Ury， is a self-employed dating coach and her previous profession is being a Behavioral Scientist for the app Hinge as well as doing some work with Google in their behavioral research unit。 The strengths of this book are the plentiful references to behavioral science/research and practical tools and advice provided （and lots of citations in the back as well as other books that sound interesting cited throughout）。 There are activities throughout the book and an Appendix of activities。 I might recommend this book to someone even if they weren’t looking for a romantic relationship- the research itself is interesting on its own and there really is a lot of it presented。 The book is （obviously） most useful for those that are actively dating or seeking a life partner， but potentially interesting to all。 It’s an easy and engaging read。 The main drawback of this book is that it is clearly targeted at millennials， especially older millennials， so not all might relate to the advice or style of dating the author promotes。 Additionally， the tone of the author is cheesy and she points out her own jokes after she makes them - I think younger millennials will find that tone annoying while older millennials might find it more charming。 I found it annoying at first and then I got over it because the book is interesting and I was being cynical。 I think people prone to cynicism won’t even give this book much of a chance even if they might benefit （which probably goes for cynics and most self-help books）。 The book is about being open to learning about yourself and having personal growth by learning about yourself as a dater as well as who you are and what you bring to a relationship。 If I ever date seriously again， I’d like to date someone open to reading this kind of self-help， or at least letting me introduce some of the activities。 In my last relationship， something that really worked for me is that we both liked self-help/personal growth so we could make pacts like “this is how we argue” or “this is how we apologize。” Ury begins the book by talking about The Three Dating Tendencies and how to identify and overcome each one: Maximizer， Romanticizer， Hesitater。 I thought for sure that I would be a Romanticizer when I read the names of the tendencies， and then it turned out I was actually most like a Hesitater， right now and even before my last relationship。 I loved my last partner a lot and even knowing I liked him a lot， I had to be talked into the relationship and fortunately that man had the drive and patience to seek out my love。 I had characteristics of the other two tendencies as well which I think is how most people will land when reading about them （a mix of all three with maybe one stronger）。 I think the quizzes and advice in this section are interesting if someone is willing to admit to themselves that they have a problem， or mix of these problems。 I personally like that this book simplifies behavioral science （and references it often） as well as provides advice that is about being introspective and reframing a lot of the time。 It seems like really “simple” advice and exercises， but if you’re someone willing to take a dive and elaborate while doing exercises and answering questions， then you will find success in using this book I think， or at least parts of it will be useful to each reader。 One of the most interesting chapters of this book， to me， is about how people think they know what they want， but dating apps actually skew our view of what we want in a partner A LOT。 For instance， dating apps are limited by the information they can reliably capture and catalog: height， age， college， job， photos， etc。 The author then goes on to describe columns/research by notable behavioral scientists and behavioral economists that elaborate on how humans adjust behavior based on metrics。 And that’s only the beginning of the chapter！ She gives an abundance of other reasons how people might be accidentally filtering good matches when browsing apps。 Ultimately， what I liked the most about this chapter is that it points out how people aren’t as thoughtful as they think they are。 This book is truly self-help in that it is pointing out how the reader might not be as thoughtful as they think they are and then providing helpful research， tools， and advice on how to be more thoughtful。 I find it common that some authors of self-help books are overly indulgent in their own journey so that the book is interesting， but not necessarily relatable。 This author is definitely self-indulgent with her tone and jokes， but if you can read past that， most of the information provided is just useful for the reader。 Also， I found out that I’m the kind of person that might actually benefit from dating in real life rather than apps based on my outgoing personality and love of shared hobbies/interests。 Lastly， I think it’s useful that the author points out the flaws of apps not to encourage readers to avoid using them， but just to use them more tactfully and be aware of the limitations as they swipe。 I also really enjoyed reading advice that I already use and getting validation from this book as well as learning about my edges for growth。 For instance， Ury recommends setting up ‘defaults’ for dating， especially for hesitaters and maximizers。 I laughed because I have been doing that a long time。 If I go on a date and I feel neutral， I always kiss the person。 And if the kiss is good， then why not have sex？ My other default is I try to stay mostly sober for every first date I am taking seriously and isn’t just a hookup in my mind。 Ury would recommend that I treat all dates like that probably， but not all of us are always looking for a partner when we date。 This book is good for identifying the strengths you might already have as well as discovering your edges。 The book also goes over topics such as: attachment theory and how your attachment style relates to how you might date， looking for a Life Partner and not a Prom Date， how to be better at online dating and some of the research， how to date in real life （if you want to give online dating a break）， how to create better dates， fallacies about dating （the “spark”）， bringing your best self before during relationship milestones/how to have milestone conversations， deciding if you should break up， how to break up with someone， how to overcome breakups and gain from them （HELL YEAH PERSONAL GROWTH）， and evaluating marriage in your relationship。 The millennial perspective is really strong in the chapters about relationship milestones and how to break up with someone because the author addresses how many young adults just live with each other out of necessity and/or comfort。 Again， not something that an older person will necessarily relate to as much。 This review doesn’t do this book justice because I’m too lazy to go back and cite the really interesting research the author provides。 The research isn’t always necessarily about dating， but mostly human behavior and Ury applies the knowledge we have of human behavior to how we might approach dating。 Doing the digging to read all that behavioral science research on your own and make these connections to dating seems like a daunting task and fortunately， it doesn’t have to be because Ury does the work for you so you can just focus on your self-discovery。 。。。more
Catherine Szuhay
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This book has a lot of great advice on how to be open minded when entering the dating scene， how to navigate relationship issues and how to focus on yourself and a relationship。 There are also a lot of great frameworks for creating successful relationships and developing open communication for difficult conversations。 I recommend this book to anyone in all types of relationships or hoping to enter long term relationships。Favorite Quote: the author cites a quote from Esther Perel， “The quality of This book has a lot of great advice on how to be open minded when entering the dating scene， how to navigate relationship issues and how to focus on yourself and a relationship。 There are also a lot of great frameworks for creating successful relationships and developing open communication for difficult conversations。 I recommend this book to anyone in all types of relationships or hoping to enter long term relationships。Favorite Quote: the author cites a quote from Esther Perel， “The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life。 Relationships are your story， write well， and edit often。” 。。。more
Kelsey
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I'm really torn about this book。 I think the title is brilliant marketing designed to lure you in and appeals to our core desires。 There was a lot of interesting behavioral science information that was informative and well explained。 However， I really had a lot of issues with some of the content throughout most of the book， especially the language used around being single and how single hood is framed。 I understand that this book is primarily designed for single people to "find their person"， bu I'm really torn about this book。 I think the title is brilliant marketing designed to lure you in and appeals to our core desires。 There was a lot of interesting behavioral science information that was informative and well explained。 However， I really had a lot of issues with some of the content throughout most of the book， especially the language used around being single and how single hood is framed。 I understand that this book is primarily designed for single people to "find their person"， but I felt like there was a bit of shaming for those who are single。 There were sections where I felt the author was basically saying a person needs to settle for anyone that is remotely emotionally stable if their goal is to get married and have kids， which I really just think is not a great message。 Her breakup and marriage contract chapters were interesting though。 。。。more
Minjeong
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Logan Ury is energetic， opinionated， and funny。 The chapters follow a progression， from finding people to date， to dating， and to committing to the partner and nurturing the relationship or breaking up。 I appreciated that she is able to provide a broad view of modern dating given her experience in coaching clients and in studying social psychology。 The book starts out by speaking to those who are single and looking， while the later chapters are for people who are in relationships。 I'd remind mys Logan Ury is energetic， opinionated， and funny。 The chapters follow a progression， from finding people to date， to dating， and to committing to the partner and nurturing the relationship or breaking up。 I appreciated that she is able to provide a broad view of modern dating given her experience in coaching clients and in studying social psychology。 The book starts out by speaking to those who are single and looking， while the later chapters are for people who are in relationships。 I'd remind myself and readers to read the social psychology examples with a critical mind; for instance， the study about money and happiness that says that happiness peaks with an income of $75，000 has recently been proven otherwise by a more recent study that looked at money， life satisfaction， and happiness。 。。。more
S
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I appreciated that this book is not just practical， but it brings to bear a lot of the science behind why people do stuff in and around relationships， and how we can see more clearly and do better。 As ever， much of the information is not new， it's just things that we are not all aware of or don't pay attention to。I am not sure I would go so far as to fully use the tools and props she provides （that seems like it would take an especially dedicated type-A personality）， but it is nice to know about I appreciated that this book is not just practical， but it brings to bear a lot of the science behind why people do stuff in and around relationships， and how we can see more clearly and do better。 As ever， much of the information is not new， it's just things that we are not all aware of or don't pay attention to。I am not sure I would go so far as to fully use the tools and props she provides （that seems like it would take an especially dedicated type-A personality）， but it is nice to know about them regardless。As a singleton who gave up on dating long ago， this book made me seriously consider getting out there again - which says a lot。 。。。more
Laura Bartkiewicz
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Fun read for anyone who is single or in a relationship with tactical tips to navigate most relationship obstacles。
Lindsey Wirht
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a very necessary book for anyone who is disillusioned by love & finding a partner。 not a perfect book， but the some of the concepts completely changed how I think！
Chris F
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